Vita Beata

I have to admit I was dreading, absolutely dreading, coming home. So afraid that I might find myself in the same rut I left about a month or so ago but, thankfully, I brought back more than a few souvenirs. I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment where everything just seemed lighter, the load I carried – the insecurities, doubts, negativity, and generally BLAH – inside seemed to float. Leaving my last destination, waiting at the airport slightly crabby because I was returning to my usual four walls, I stopped myself for a moment and took off my mask of yuck. The one I inherited from my parents, the one I wear when I’m in pain, hungry, pissed, or surpressing some ball of negativity that the rest of me isn’t ready to handle yet. I took it off, took a deep breath, and smiled. I promised myself that for the sake that all I’ve been through in the past month in Chicago and Denver, I wasn’t going home to the person I left behind. DEGRESSION, fuck no!

I hiked a fuckin’ mountain (WildernessonWheels.org, check ‘em out), did my best amateur Oprah impression interviewing actors, hung out backstage on opening night of a musical, chilled with a paralympic gold medalist, and went on a glorious trip to find the beauty in me. I faced all that I thought I wasn’t capable of – my fears, insecurities, and inner demons – and survived…

There’s this quote Jackie shared with me one day during our rambling sessions,

“No matter how far I run, I always seem to find myself there.”

I said how scared I was to go back to the person I didn’t like, the person I didn’t want to be but somehow ended up being. Well, something like that. She spit that quote and just now it all seems to make sense in a way. I know now matter how far I run – relocate – I will always be living with MYSELF, no matter who I’m living with. But why doom myself by dreading this person I was and not just be the person I wish to be, that way the self that I’ll find will be one that I welcome. YEAH, easier said than done but I’m done SAYING things, I just want to DO them.  Oooh, deja vu…

So, number one on my TO DO list?

Declutter and organize my room/life. Like my mind, my room is a mothalovin’ mess! I figure the more space I have to write (or just DO, generally), the better I write… someone wise once said something like that. ; ) — hoooova!

Totally unacceptable working space. No wonder I can’t get anything done. All the garbage has got to go – my stacks of magazines, loose papers, and junk that I haven’t used or will never use is going. I’m not going to stop until I’m done… that also goes for all the mental junk that’s been plaguing me and holding me back. I read some place, probably Oprah’s O magazine, “[that] cleaning house—both literally and as a metaphor for life—is a great way to hit the Refresh button.” (Read more here.)

AND I’m so totally ready to hit that Refresh button…

So all I ask right now is…who’s with me?

P.S. Get ready for some awesome videos, pics, and posts to come about my trip… especially my interviews with P.H.A.M.A.L.y!

Tags: accomplishing goals, advice, being the self you wish to be, change, change clothes, changing one's life, cleaning, decluttering one's house to declutter one's life, facing fear, fear, friends, interviews, jay-z, learning to be who you want to be, learning to love oneself, life, life advice, life lessons, living with a disability, living with osteogenesis imperfecta type I, mess, no matter how far i run i always seem to find myself there, o magazine, Oprah, oprah.com, organizing one's life, osteogenesis imperfecta, P.H.A.M.A.L.y, pharrell, refreshing one's life, self, self-improvement, sneak peak, the Physically Disabled Actors and Musical Artists League, travel, Wilderness on Wheels, wildernessonwheels.org, youtube.com